The Power of Words and How to Use Them

"Thomas Mann, Nobel laureate in literature, said, “Speech is civilization itself.” Yet words can brutalize as well as civilize, injure as well as heal." (Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A., & Goddard, H. W. (2003). Between parent and child: the bestselling classic that revolutionized parent-child communication. New York: Three Rivers Press.)


Image found on Google

This quote really shows the power words have.  They can be powerful tools depending how we use them to shape and mold our children.  Used incorrectly they can cause hurt, low self-esteem, and create lifelong consequences.  In fact, it has been reported that children who have been verbally abused by their parents often have more psychological problems than those who have been physically abused.  There are more productive ways to correct our children’s poor behavior than by yelling at them. “Being firm does not require being mean. They are two completely different things.” (Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.)

Too often parents are quick to react when their child misbehaves.  Instead of taking the time to take a breath, collect their thoughts, and then react, harsh words are said and the situation just escalated to another level. I have found a couple approaches that can help parents avoid these types of situations.  These approaches take practice.  They might seem uncomfortable at first, but the more you use them the more comfortable they will become and the more natural they will feel.    

           

One approach is using these 5 steps of discipline shared by Dr. Steinberg.

1- Identify the infraction.

2- Describe its impact.

3- Suggest an alternative.

4- Describe the punishment.

5- Set expectation for better behavior the next time.

An example he uses is the following…

"I've told you lots of times that you need to wipe your shoes so that you don't track mud all over the house (Identification).

I just cleaned the floor, and now it needs to be cleaned again (Impact).

There's a mat outside the back door. If you can't get the dirt off by wiping your shoes on the mat, just take your shoes off and leave them outside (Alternative).

Now, please get a mop and clean the floor(Punishment).

You're usually so good about everything-please try to remember the next time (Expectation)."                    

(Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.)

 Image found on Google

Another approach is called Emotion Coaching presented by Dr. John Gottman.  It is another 5-step approach that helps children feel understood and helps them work through their emotions.  By doing these steps, children can often resolve their own problems.

1- Notice the child’s emotions.

2- Help the child to feel understood by validating the emotion.

3- Help the child to verbally label what they are feeling.

4- Help the child understand where the feelings come from.

5- Set limits if there is misbehavior.
(Emotional Health | Dr. John Gottman - YouTube. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmsDTT3xgjo)

Click the link to see an example of this from the movie Inside Out.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lh0EE2_Y2io


Image found on Google

Dr. Steinberg also shares three tips for parents to use to avoid using harsh discipline:

1- Focus your remarks on your child's behavior rather than on your child.

Example: "That was a terrible thing to do" vs. "You are a terrible child."

2- Focus on the specific behavior in question rather than make sweeping generalizations.

Example: “"You can't do anything right" vs.  "This was the wrong thing to do."

3- Think about what you say before you say it.

Example: “Take a deep breath before you speak and choose your words deliberately. Be mindful about what you say and how you say it.”(Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.)

All of these approaches can be considered as Empathetic Communication.  Empathetic communication is defined as showing the other person that s/he is listened to and that their inner universe (thoughts, emotions, attitudes, values, etc.) is being understood.
(Learning Mind. (2020, March 24). Retrieved from https://www.learning-mind.com/)  

By using these approaches our words build our children up instead of break them down.  Children get tired, frustrated, scared, and disappointed just like we do.  When they are young, they are still learning how to express their emotions.  As parents it is our job to be patient and understanding as they come to understand the emotions they are experiencing and how to deal with them.

Image found on Google

The following link shows an exchange Steven R. Covey had with his young son that uses empathetic communication.  It is a great example of all the approaches shared above that help parents communicate with firmness instead of meanness.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8MylQ_VPUI

A good resource that supports these ideas and shares extra insight is at raisingchildren.net.au.  An online article from their website can be found by clicking the link below.  It highlights the following: 

Good communication with children. Communicating well with children improves your bond with them, and encourages them to listen to you.

Tips to improve communication with your child.  Set aside time for talking-Talk about everyday things- Be open to talk about different feelings-Tune into their body language-Work together to solve problems-Emphasize the importance of honesty 

How to listen when talking with your child. When you show your child how to be a good listener, you show them how to be a good listener too.

How to encourage your child to listen. Let your child finish talking and then respond-Use language and ideas they will understand-Make instructions simple to understand-Avoid criticism and blame

https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/connecting-communicating/communicating/communicating-well-with-children

Grow With Your Child

Image found on Google

Do you remember the first time the nurse laid your newborn baby into your arms?  They just got done being bathed, smothered in baby lotion, and smelling absolutely delicious!  They were all wrapped up like a little cocoon in a soft cuddly blanket and all you wanted to do was stare at them all day.  They were your little miracle.  Perfect in every way.  And you knew life was going to be perfect from this day forward.  At least that is what you were planning on.  
     
For many, the first time the nurse lays that infant in our arms we immediately see them accomplishing great things while bringing nothing but joy and fulfillment into our lives.  We have this picture in our mind about how our child is going to act, all the things they are going to accomplish, and the successful adults they are going to become.  What we don't realize is that while wanting the best for our children is a righteous desire, the road to get there is not a perfect path that is free from mistakes, let downs, frustration, and uncertainties.
    
The purpose of this post is to share insight into the importance of adjusting our parenting style as we help our children grow through their different stages of development.  When we grow with our child instead of against them, by trying to force our ideals that compete against their inborn nature, their growth will be less compromised.  The more willing we are to modify how we nurture our children, the more likely they will become the successful individuals we imagined them to become. 

                        Image found on Google

In 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting by Dr. Laurence Steinberg it reads, "Good parenting is flexible, and it needs to be tailored to fit with your child's stage of development." (Steinberg, L.D. (2005) The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster.) As our children grow, so does their own understanding of their needs and wants.  As parents, it is important to recognize the different needs our children experience during the different stages of their development.  For example, making all the decisions for an infant makes sense, but as the child grows and begins to understand what they like to eat, wear, or play with, they are going to want to make some of those decisions on their own. Letting them do so is a good thing.  

In 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting by Dr. Laurence Steinberg he gives the following advice, "Instead of trying to break the will of a strong-willed three-year old by adamantly asserting your authority (an impossible strategy that will just frustrate both of you), you should acknowledge his need for independence and adjust your parenting accordingly. Rather than insisting that he does everything your way, for instance, you can help your child feel more grown up by allowing him to choose among different options (what to wear, what to eat, and so on) that are all acceptable to you. You aren't giving up your authority by doing this; you are using your authority in a more clever fashion. By doing this, you manage to accomplish what you want (because any choice he makes is okay with you), but you've also allowed your child to act his age." (Steinberg, L.D. (2005) The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster.)

This advice makes sense to me and these are a few of the benefits I see from using this tactic.  

• There are less power struggles.
• The child is learning how to make decisions.
• The child is developing confidence.
• Respect between the parent and child is beginning to grow. 

Some parents feel that if they allow children to make decisions, they are losing control or showing a sign of weakness.  That is not true.  Allowing children to make decisions, where either choice is something the parent is comfortable with, is a win-win for both parent and child. 

"More important, parenting is not about winning and losing-it's about helping your child to develop in healthy ways. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to change in response to your child, rather than vice versa."  -Dr. Laurence Steinberg

 The best thing we can do for our children is to meet them where they are.  Being willing to adapt to them at the stage they are mentally and emotionally will prepare them for their next steps in life.  They are on their own personal journey and while we help them take their first steps, we need to recognize when to hold their hands and when to let go.


Image found on Google

On the online website, RulesofParenting.com, they have an article called, Keeping up with Change: 5 Steps to Adjusting Your Parenting Style to Your Child's Needs. The 5 steps are:

• Understand your child's personality.
• Understand your own temperament.
• Find the goodness fit.
• Consider varying your style.
• Mind the age.

(RULES OF PARENTING. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.rulesof parenting.com/)

As you read through these 5 steps found at the link below, you will see that in order for our children to make the proper changes as they grow, so do we.

http://www.rulesofparenting.com/keeping-up-with-change-5-steps-to-adjusting-your-parenting-style-to-your-childs-needs/

Holding On vs. Letting Go

For a lot of parents, the hardest part about raising a child is letting them go.  I have found this to be true for myself.  When they are little everyone tells you, “Enjoy this time, it goes by so fast.”  Or, “Before you know it, she will be graduating from high school.”  I didn’t believe it at first, but recently I learned that what they said is true. I do wish someone would have said, “Prepare yourself and your heart for the pain it will go through when your child is ready launch.”  I was not prepared for it!  I hope the information in this post will help prepare you for the day your child is ready to raise their sails.

Image found on Google

In Dr. Laurence Steinbergs book, 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting he shares the following council to help prepare parents for the different changes their relationship will experience as their child grows towards adulthood.

“The issue is not whether your role as a parent will change: It has to change, because your child's development will require that it does. The issue is whether you see these changes in your role as losses, as things to battle, mourn, or put off for as long as possible, or whether you see them as necessary changes that your child needs you to make in order for her to grow up to be a healthy and happy adult. Accepting your changing role in your child's life is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do as a parent, but it's also one of the most important.”(Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.)

Realizing that our changing roles is one of the most important things we need to accept as parents, Dr. Laurence Steinberg has identified three specific shifts that parent will experience. How we navigate through these shifts will be determined greatly on our attitude and our ability to view these changes in a positive way. 

The first is a shift from being the absolute focus of your child's life to being one of many people your child cares about.

Image found on Google

As our children grow so does their social circle.  They are going to have many special relationships in their lives.  Sometimes they are going to want to spend more time away from home to be with other people and sometimes they are going to go to others for advice instead of you.  This shift was probably the most challenging for me.  I wanted to be the one my child confided in and came to for advice.  When I wasn’t, I felt hurt and wondered if I was doing something wrong.  However, during a conversation with other mothers one of them made the comment that she knew her daughter was not going to come to her for everything.  She didn’t tell her mom everything, so why would she expect her daughter to be any different?  What was important to her was that her daughter did have someone she could go to if it wasn’t her.  That opened my eyes to see the benefit of my children having good influences in their lives other than myself and that it's okay that it is not always me. Having others that love and care for my children like I do is something to be grateful for.  Dr. Laurence Steinberg says this, “The importance of these other people in her life has increased, but this hasn't diminished your importance to her."(Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.)

The second shift is controlling your child's life for him to helping him learn how to control it for himself.

Image found on Google

When they are young, we as parents decide what they are going to eat, what they are going to wear, what activities they are going to participate in, who they are going to play with, etc.  Eventually those decisions stop becoming ours and our children begin to have opinions about what they want and what they like.  It’s important that we allow them the ability to make these decisions so they know how to make bigger decisions later.  Dr. Laurence Steinberg states, “This shift in authority is what he needs from you to be able to ultimately become a responsible young adult. There will come a day when he has to make his own decisions, and you want him to be able to do this with confidence and self-assurance.”(Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.)

The third shift is from trying to shape who your child is to allowing your child be her own person.

Image found on Google

Helping to teach, mold, and influence our children to become confident adults is one of the main goals as parents.  It is good to be involved in their lives to help them achieve and develop talents that will benefit them later on in life.  However, there comes a time when parents need to respect that what is important to them might not be what is important to their child.  Dr. Laurence Steinberg says, “Over time, you need to focus less on trying to influence your child by leading her in certain directions and more on trying to help her develop the skills she needs to discover who she is. Your role must change from trying to shape her personality to helping to foster her sense of individuality.”(Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.)

The online article, How to Let Go and Let Your Child Grow Up from the website, WeHaveKids.com, gives additional insight into how to help parents cope with the changes that comes from watching their kids grow up and set sail.

 https://wehavekids.com/parenting/How-To-Let-My-Child-Grow-Up-Letting-Go-of-My-Parental-Attachment

The following is a poem from that article that shows the tug-o-war parents sometimes feel as they raise their children.

For My Child

I make my plans for you from birth

Carefully carving out your worth

So wrapped up in who you'll be

I neglect your individuality

I want to protect you all your life

Keep you safe from danger and strife

Temptation and pressure attack you all day

How as a parent can I keep it away?

I pray that you'll receive God's grace

And when you need to, slow your pace

Will my guidance be enough?

To guard and keep you from all that stuff?

My goal in life is to see you succeed

What's the best way to plant that seed?

I'll give you the room to make a mistake

I'll trust you with each step you take

I'll tell you "I LOVE YOU" when you make a mess

I'll tell you "NO" when I want to say, "YES."

I'll give you the space to set your tone

Adjust my expectations as you create your own.

[JLE 2006 Poetry Verse Form: Heroic Couplet]

“Being a parent is a lot like building a boat that you eventually will launch. The building process is gratifying, but so is launching the boat and seeing that what you've built can handle the seas.” -Dr. Laurence Steinberg 

(Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.)

Image found on Google