Grow With Your Child

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Do you remember the first time the nurse laid your newborn baby into your arms?  They just got done being bathed, smothered in baby lotion, and smelling absolutely delicious!  They were all wrapped up like a little cocoon in a soft cuddly blanket and all you wanted to do was stare at them all day.  They were your little miracle.  Perfect in every way.  And you knew life was going to be perfect from this day forward.  At least that is what you were planning on.  
     
For many, the first time the nurse lays that infant in our arms we immediately see them accomplishing great things while bringing nothing but joy and fulfillment into our lives.  We have this picture in our mind about how our child is going to act, all the things they are going to accomplish, and the successful adults they are going to become.  What we don't realize is that while wanting the best for our children is a righteous desire, the road to get there is not a perfect path that is free from mistakes, let downs, frustration, and uncertainties.
    
The purpose of this post is to share insight into the importance of adjusting our parenting style as we help our children grow through their different stages of development.  When we grow with our child instead of against them, by trying to force our ideals that compete against their inborn nature, their growth will be less compromised.  The more willing we are to modify how we nurture our children, the more likely they will become the successful individuals we imagined them to become. 

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In 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting by Dr. Laurence Steinberg it reads, "Good parenting is flexible, and it needs to be tailored to fit with your child's stage of development." (Steinberg, L.D. (2005) The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster.) As our children grow, so does their own understanding of their needs and wants.  As parents, it is important to recognize the different needs our children experience during the different stages of their development.  For example, making all the decisions for an infant makes sense, but as the child grows and begins to understand what they like to eat, wear, or play with, they are going to want to make some of those decisions on their own. Letting them do so is a good thing.  

In 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting by Dr. Laurence Steinberg he gives the following advice, "Instead of trying to break the will of a strong-willed three-year old by adamantly asserting your authority (an impossible strategy that will just frustrate both of you), you should acknowledge his need for independence and adjust your parenting accordingly. Rather than insisting that he does everything your way, for instance, you can help your child feel more grown up by allowing him to choose among different options (what to wear, what to eat, and so on) that are all acceptable to you. You aren't giving up your authority by doing this; you are using your authority in a more clever fashion. By doing this, you manage to accomplish what you want (because any choice he makes is okay with you), but you've also allowed your child to act his age." (Steinberg, L.D. (2005) The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster.)

This advice makes sense to me and these are a few of the benefits I see from using this tactic.  

• There are less power struggles.
• The child is learning how to make decisions.
• The child is developing confidence.
• Respect between the parent and child is beginning to grow. 

Some parents feel that if they allow children to make decisions, they are losing control or showing a sign of weakness.  That is not true.  Allowing children to make decisions, where either choice is something the parent is comfortable with, is a win-win for both parent and child. 

"More important, parenting is not about winning and losing-it's about helping your child to develop in healthy ways. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to change in response to your child, rather than vice versa."  -Dr. Laurence Steinberg

 The best thing we can do for our children is to meet them where they are.  Being willing to adapt to them at the stage they are mentally and emotionally will prepare them for their next steps in life.  They are on their own personal journey and while we help them take their first steps, we need to recognize when to hold their hands and when to let go.


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On the online website, RulesofParenting.com, they have an article called, Keeping up with Change: 5 Steps to Adjusting Your Parenting Style to Your Child's Needs. The 5 steps are:

• Understand your child's personality.
• Understand your own temperament.
• Find the goodness fit.
• Consider varying your style.
• Mind the age.

(RULES OF PARENTING. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.rulesof parenting.com/)

As you read through these 5 steps found at the link below, you will see that in order for our children to make the proper changes as they grow, so do we.

http://www.rulesofparenting.com/keeping-up-with-change-5-steps-to-adjusting-your-parenting-style-to-your-childs-needs/