Holding On vs. Letting Go

For a lot of parents, the hardest part about raising a child is letting them go.  I have found this to be true for myself.  When they are little everyone tells you, “Enjoy this time, it goes by so fast.”  Or, “Before you know it, she will be graduating from high school.”  I didn’t believe it at first, but recently I learned that what they said is true. I do wish someone would have said, “Prepare yourself and your heart for the pain it will go through when your child is ready launch.”  I was not prepared for it!  I hope the information in this post will help prepare you for the day your child is ready to raise their sails.

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In Dr. Laurence Steinbergs book, 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting he shares the following council to help prepare parents for the different changes their relationship will experience as their child grows towards adulthood.

“The issue is not whether your role as a parent will change: It has to change, because your child's development will require that it does. The issue is whether you see these changes in your role as losses, as things to battle, mourn, or put off for as long as possible, or whether you see them as necessary changes that your child needs you to make in order for her to grow up to be a healthy and happy adult. Accepting your changing role in your child's life is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do as a parent, but it's also one of the most important.”(Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.)

Realizing that our changing roles is one of the most important things we need to accept as parents, Dr. Laurence Steinberg has identified three specific shifts that parent will experience. How we navigate through these shifts will be determined greatly on our attitude and our ability to view these changes in a positive way. 

The first is a shift from being the absolute focus of your child's life to being one of many people your child cares about.

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As our children grow so does their social circle.  They are going to have many special relationships in their lives.  Sometimes they are going to want to spend more time away from home to be with other people and sometimes they are going to go to others for advice instead of you.  This shift was probably the most challenging for me.  I wanted to be the one my child confided in and came to for advice.  When I wasn’t, I felt hurt and wondered if I was doing something wrong.  However, during a conversation with other mothers one of them made the comment that she knew her daughter was not going to come to her for everything.  She didn’t tell her mom everything, so why would she expect her daughter to be any different?  What was important to her was that her daughter did have someone she could go to if it wasn’t her.  That opened my eyes to see the benefit of my children having good influences in their lives other than myself and that it's okay that it is not always me. Having others that love and care for my children like I do is something to be grateful for.  Dr. Laurence Steinberg says this, “The importance of these other people in her life has increased, but this hasn't diminished your importance to her."(Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.)

The second shift is controlling your child's life for him to helping him learn how to control it for himself.

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When they are young, we as parents decide what they are going to eat, what they are going to wear, what activities they are going to participate in, who they are going to play with, etc.  Eventually those decisions stop becoming ours and our children begin to have opinions about what they want and what they like.  It’s important that we allow them the ability to make these decisions so they know how to make bigger decisions later.  Dr. Laurence Steinberg states, “This shift in authority is what he needs from you to be able to ultimately become a responsible young adult. There will come a day when he has to make his own decisions, and you want him to be able to do this with confidence and self-assurance.”(Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.)

The third shift is from trying to shape who your child is to allowing your child be her own person.

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Helping to teach, mold, and influence our children to become confident adults is one of the main goals as parents.  It is good to be involved in their lives to help them achieve and develop talents that will benefit them later on in life.  However, there comes a time when parents need to respect that what is important to them might not be what is important to their child.  Dr. Laurence Steinberg says, “Over time, you need to focus less on trying to influence your child by leading her in certain directions and more on trying to help her develop the skills she needs to discover who she is. Your role must change from trying to shape her personality to helping to foster her sense of individuality.”(Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.)

The online article, How to Let Go and Let Your Child Grow Up from the website, WeHaveKids.com, gives additional insight into how to help parents cope with the changes that comes from watching their kids grow up and set sail.

 https://wehavekids.com/parenting/How-To-Let-My-Child-Grow-Up-Letting-Go-of-My-Parental-Attachment

The following is a poem from that article that shows the tug-o-war parents sometimes feel as they raise their children.

For My Child

I make my plans for you from birth

Carefully carving out your worth

So wrapped up in who you'll be

I neglect your individuality

I want to protect you all your life

Keep you safe from danger and strife

Temptation and pressure attack you all day

How as a parent can I keep it away?

I pray that you'll receive God's grace

And when you need to, slow your pace

Will my guidance be enough?

To guard and keep you from all that stuff?

My goal in life is to see you succeed

What's the best way to plant that seed?

I'll give you the room to make a mistake

I'll trust you with each step you take

I'll tell you "I LOVE YOU" when you make a mess

I'll tell you "NO" when I want to say, "YES."

I'll give you the space to set your tone

Adjust my expectations as you create your own.

[JLE 2006 Poetry Verse Form: Heroic Couplet]

“Being a parent is a lot like building a boat that you eventually will launch. The building process is gratifying, but so is launching the boat and seeing that what you've built can handle the seas.” -Dr. Laurence Steinberg 

(Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.)

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